SSA Aaron Hotchner (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
baufatherfigure) wrote2012-03-05 02:48 pm
baufatherfigure) wrote2012-03-05 02:48 pm
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[Too much had been going on in his mind lately. And by too much, that meant coming back from the darkness. Seeing his son of fifteen years. Trying to fight the nightmares that he could never see Spencer again, when he was really curled up in bed next to him. Knowing Moonlight was alive and out there again, as was his bastard husband, Foyet. Seeing Dave and Dashelle and their twins. It was too much to assimulate at once, and it suddenly felt like his walls were crumbling. Like he wouldn't be able to take much more of it at this rate; and he knew he wouldn't.
That was why he had set himself down near the waterside. One hand on his head and silently sobbing. Here was the phoenix: the protector of the group that had just returned after ten years of being away, and all he could do was sit there and cry. Having a war in his mind, and emotionally unstable, he lay back in the sands and forced himself to take a deep breath. A very deep breath, with shoulders heaving and everything. He closed his eyes, laying there on the beach, sounds of waves crashing on the shore again.]
Dammit, Aaron... pull yourself together. You can do it. [Practically berating himself.] You can fucking do it. You've done it before. You did it ten years ago. What the hell is stopping you now...?
[And yet the answer was there in front of him. The only thing stopping Aaron Hotchner... was himself.]
That was why he had set himself down near the waterside. One hand on his head and silently sobbing. Here was the phoenix: the protector of the group that had just returned after ten years of being away, and all he could do was sit there and cry. Having a war in his mind, and emotionally unstable, he lay back in the sands and forced himself to take a deep breath. A very deep breath, with shoulders heaving and everything. He closed his eyes, laying there on the beach, sounds of waves crashing on the shore again.]
Dammit, Aaron... pull yourself together. You can do it. [Practically berating himself.] You can fucking do it. You've done it before. You did it ten years ago. What the hell is stopping you now...?
[And yet the answer was there in front of him. The only thing stopping Aaron Hotchner... was himself.]
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Stay here, girl...
*Then he left his room and the house and walked out onto the sand and under the full moon, walked up to his Dad now laying back, the kid looking out over the calm ocean.*
You still spend a lot of time talkin' to yourself, huh? *Looking down at his Father.* Yo DO know there's like...4 other people in this house you can talk to?
*He sat down beside Dad, drawing his knees up to his chest, looking back out over the water.*
Damnit. This's familiar.
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Oh christ. Ten years ago on the docks. Near the cabin. His stomach twisted.]
Too familiar.
[Aaron didn't move from his position, swallowing harder.] How long have you been watching me, Jack? Couple minutes? Few hours? [A weak laugh, brushing his hands from the sand and wiping his eyes, sitting upright finally.]
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Faith...saw you walking out here...she woke me up and I just been watching for about 45 minutes. *A soft sigh* Dad...I know how hard it is sometimes...to talk to someone. *Small lopsided grin* I'mma Hotchner. C'mon. Somethin's gonna rub off, huh?
*Chewing on the inside of his cheek for a moment before going on* But if there's one thing Dashy beat into me...was that there's always someone to talk to. And 96.3 percent of the time it's better than nothing. I'm guessing she was trying to be a smartass like Spencer with the percentage but...she's right. I found that out.
*A look at him again, brown eyes staring steadily*
Especially when you were gone...and I cried to myself every night and didn't talk to anyone for weeks. I thought "well if HE can do the whole 'not talking to anyone I sure as hell can'. But...it didn't work out that way. I might be too young, Pop....but Dave still cares. So does Dash. And I know Spencer loves you like crazy.
*squish* I love you.
I know you guys care. You. Dash. Spence. Dave. I know you all do. [A deep, shuddering breath.] But- honestly? This is something I have to figure out on my own. Somehow. [His gaze back to the ocean, elbow on his knee and hand rubbing his head.] There's a lot going on, Jack. I haven't seen you in years. I haven't seen anyone in years, period. I come back; you're older. Wiser. Stronger than before. Dash and Dave have Charley and Colby. Foyet and Moonlight are back. Spencer's alive. I wake up on the island I was buried on. And of all things... the phoenix is corrupted. Again. [A bitter laugh.] I want to bring him out, and I can't.
Every time I think about the shit that's happened, I end up finding something else to be worried about.
How the hell can I be your dad still is beyond me. [Aaron's fingers slowly grabbed hair, getting angrier.] I could take on explosions, serial killers, and death without even flinching. I come back; I'm a mess beyond words, and I don't even know where to start untangling this goddamn web!
Icons makin me teary-eyed
We all know it's hard, Dad. And just for the record? No matter what...you're always gonna be my Dad. No matter how much you say you 'can't' be...you are. And FYI don't let uncle Dave hear that or he'll hit ya right off this beach. *Soft laugh* There was a while there I was so SO mad at you and I was crying and said you couldn't be my Dad cuz you wouldn't ever leave me. Dash told me that's not right that sometimes things happen but uncle Dave just... *Swinging his hand backhanded like* Knocked me right offa the couch. Not too hard, really...but he told me that I was NEVER to say that ever again. Even if you WERE ....I wasn't supposed to admit it.
*Resting his head on Dad's shoulder and a soft sniffle* Then you did what you always swore to me you'd do. You came back. No matter what. No matter how. You found a way to come back to me.
I know it's all weird and strange. How d'ya think I felt when we came BACK here? I was lost and was like "There's no effin way! He's gone!" But...here you were. And when I finally accepted it there was SO much I wanted to tell you...but I felt stupid cause ...in my heart...you were always there. So in a way you were there when I got the black belt and when the twins were born and...everything.
See the key isn't worrying about what's happened already or what might happen tomorrow. It's what's going on right now. Since right now is the only thing you have any say over.
Yesterday is over that's why it's called the past. Tomorrow hasn't happened that's why it's the future. Today...is a gift. That's why it's called Present. God gives us presents every time the sun comes up for us. We need to embrace that. And love it.
Practice and all that is good...but don't let it rule your life. Uncle Dave and Fluffy are saying Moon and Foyet don't know where we are. So we have all the time in the world to get stronger and better. But my sensei always said that if you're distracted by what could happen...then what is supposed to happen won't be able to fight the mist.
I swear to you, Dad...*A kiss to his cheek* I will do everything in my power...just like Spencer...to help you both. So when we face them we know for a fact we're the strongest and the best we can be.
That makes two of us.
I was all the darkness had done to me was backhand me. Or even kicked my ass like Dash and Spencer used to. But it was-- it was a lot worse than anything even Moonlight could throw at me.[A mutter.] Trying to find Spence was like trying to find a specific needle in a pile of needles. All I felt was pain. Thorns. And I'm not willing to go through that again.
Through any of this. You wanting to-- I don't know. Destroy me because I left you to go after Spence. Everything. It just-- it hurts too much a lot of the time.
*HUGS* I love you so so so much
Things are gonna hurt, Dad. A lot. But we just gotta know when to not listen to 'em and keep focused on what we have or whatnot right now.
*He sighed softly, closing his eyes, listening to his Dad's heartbeat and the smallest of smiles*
This is what I always remember. Sitting with you...listening to your heartbeat. Always strong. Always steady. Nothing ever...changed it. I could always count on that.
I'm pretty sure I love you more, buddy. *snuggles*
No one's going to bring me into the darkness again. [Almost like he was trying to convince himself.] I'll make sure of that. I swear to you. And everyone.